Why Angry Couples Struggle Being Happ

The angry couple, we all know one or two of them. 

A minor infraction or silly mistakes turns into World War 3. The guys freaks out on his girlfriend as if she had just killed his most beloved childhood T.V. character off; the girlfriend can’t comprehend as to why her boyfriend is having such an extreme reaction. 

You could totally switch genders in this scenario, it doesn’t really matter because it isn’t a gender problem; it is a human emotion problem.

The couple knows the pattern that they fall into. (Insert sad face here.)

After they fight, if you ask one of them the vicious cycle that just unfolded, they will be able to tell you a literal play by play of what they do every single time they fight! 

Dear God, please help them. PLEASE!

In order to fully understand people, we must first comprehend that anger has two levels of emotion. 

The first level of emotion involves a fear response. These emotions originate from fearing they will never be understood by their partner, that they aren’t ever going to be enough to be loved and appreciated by their partner, or that their partner may never come to fully understand their deepest needs. Even more common, is that the person getting angry fear’s not even knowing what they want from their partner in the first place.

Ultimately, these all lead to the same end; losing this person they love and care about.

The second level is the outward anger and frustration that the person is showing towards their partner. 

So why do they stay in it, you ask? Great question!

As human beings, these couples are very ingenious and still find a way to meet their needs with one another, albeit in an unhealthy way, but they still meet their needs. 

Below are the most common reasons’ these couples stay locked into these patterns.

There are incredibly strong secondary benefits to becoming angry that are consistently overlooked. The most common are…

1.) Fighting is the only time these couples actually feel fully alive in their relationship and actually truly show their full emotions to one another. This allows them to really get into a pattern where they get all of their feelings out, and still can get full engagement from their other partner, who will likely respond by yelling and possibly screaming back. We would rather receive bad attention, than no attention at all.

 

2.) After the yelling, screaming, name-calling, and swearing, they show their emotions another way; makeup sex. This is the time they feel fully emotionally connected to their partners, which is the true need they want met more consistently and why its “not that bad” or “we figured it out” comments are made to their friends and family members, when they fight.

 

3.) This allows them to never come close to talking about the core of the problem. As human beings (not just males or females) we will do absolutely anything to avoid pain. These couples tend to continue to get into volatile arguments because neither one of them has the courage to talk about the real problems or their deepest feelings with one another. This is viewed more as a risk, that has a slim chance of a big payout or reward. Plus, they are more than likely going to have sex after, which is awesome!

 

4.) Allows them to seek connection with themselves and others they care just as deeply about. The person can begin feeling sad for themselves because their partner is “just not getting them” and seek out connection and compassion from their closest friends and family members. This process allows them to get a connection need met, which may not be getting met very well by their partner. This conversation is also very cathartic and will relieve the emotional anxiety and first level fear emotions out from their mind too. (Glad I got that off my chest.)

 

5.) Lastly, this allows them to continue to stay as far away from love as possible because in the past, they have been burned too badly for loving someone fully. This immense pain can come from love that was desired from a parent, family member, or a significant other that we completely put 100% into, but felt like that still wasn’t enough for the other person. Love has now become so scary, that it is unconsciously avoided and sabotaged at all costs. Remember, human beings will avoid pain before seeking pleasure.

If you have some more you would like to add to this list, or have a different take on this topic, please feel free to leave a comment. I promise I will answer them.

Curious about how angry couples can overcome these obstacles? Sign up for my newsletter to get the next post sent directly to your inbox, where I will break it down step by step exactly how I help couples get back to happiness.

Stay tuned and keep loving,

Matt